Reconcile

When faced with conflict, many of us in the church operate by a series of understood but unexpressed rules and guidelines. I call them the Unspoken Ten Commandments of Conflict in the Church. The Unspoken Commandments are not exclusive to church circles; social scientists would suggest that they are rooted in a series of common dynamics that accompany conflict as it escalates.

This list looks with humor at our behavior, but I believe these Unspoken Commandments describe many people's experiences. Such patterns may even come too close for comfort. In part, that is because these commandments connect with some typical responses that form the underpinnings, not of what we say we believe, but of what we actually do with conflict. What we actually do is our practice, or praxis.

Conflict is painful and messy. We may deal with the uncertainty of messiness on a theological level by suggesting that conflict is primarily a question of sin, their sin. At a personal level, we deal with the pain and anxiety by finding a variety of clever ways to avoid facing the conflict. We find justifications for moving away from rather than toward conflict. Too often we adjust our theology to match what we actually do. To support avoidance, we cite biblical clauses, using them detached from their context: Have nothing more to do with anyone who causes divisions (Titus 3:10).

Unspoken Ten Commandments of Conflict in the Church:

1. Thou shalt be nice. Always be nice. Yea, I say unto thee, “niceness” is the essence of Christianity.

2. Thou shalt not confront each other in public. Confrontation is nasty and unmanageable. If ever in doubt about confrontation, refer to commandment number one.

3. Should thou ever have the distasteful experience of confrontation, thou shalt not listen to thine enemy, but shalt prepare thy defense while the enemy is still speaking. Yea, I say unto thee, listening raises questions that weaken thy defense and may lead to compromise, impurity, and, heaven forbid, self-reflection. It is dangerous to change thy mind or admit that thou wert wrong. Truth is unchangeable.

4. Speak not with contentious folks who disagree with thee or who have raised thy “righteous” anger. Thou shalt seek out and talk to others about them. Yea, more, dear brothers and sisters, speak only with nice people who agree with thee. By speaking only with those with whom thou dost agree, thou wilt experience the true support of community…